Learning About Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse varies in its manifestations and is more consistent than just a bad mood, an outburst or a hurtful comment or action. Many people like myself have had some idea about what it means just by putting the meaning of 'abuse' and 'emotion' together, but do not really know what it looks like and just how harmful it can be. It is more common for women to be emotionally abused. I believe this is because of the emotional vulnerability and sensitivity of women, alongside their greater need to maintain relationships and family which creates the perfect conditions for an abuser. Nevertheless, a number of victims are male as well.

At the end of this post you will find a few site links which will provide a starting point if you'd like to know more about this type of abuse. I hope that this will help you or someone you know to identify any relationship that is emotionally abusive and to take the steps to avoid being scarred by it. There is also healing for abusers who want to end the cycle that destroys their relationships or traps others with them in unhealthy patterns. For other interested readers, this may also be eye-opening.

There is no globally accepted definition for emotional abuse but there is a comprehensive list of traits which are components of this type of abuse. Emotional abuse is psychological and may or may not always require the use of words. It is habitual and cyclical. It can include degrading comments, insults, angry outburts, shame tactics and various forms of manipulation and control. But other manifestation of this abuse comes in the form of cool indifference, sarcasm, witholding affection, approval or companionship. It is just as damaging to the victim, especially over time. For example, the victim may be subjected to harsh comments/sarcasm, followed immediately and sharply by indifference and prolonged withdrawal. Meanwhile, the abuser never accepts responsibility and awaits the victim's 'apology'. The rare but closest half-admission would be framed by the emotional abuser as 'I apologize for...but.'

Emotional abuse breaks the victim down from the level of the soul and spirit, insidiously. Many victims of emotional abuse will tell you that they would prefer to be physically hit if they had to choose one over the other. However, emotional abuse tends to co-exist or progress into sexual and physical abuse. This is particularly a stronghold in marriages where it is less easy to delineate the normal sexual obligation of partners in the marriage covenant from sexually abusive demands and practices. Furthermore, in families where children are involved, childhood emotional abuse may develop by the abusive partner and will affect children who live in the unhealthy environment and view its effect on one parent.

The abuser may not appear to the outside world of family and friends as the other partner knows them to be. This can trap the victim in fear of being blamed or of bearing the embarrassment of this secret reality. I have read desperate stories and letters from women in different online forums and I am amazed at how it nearly seems they are all married to the same man. For the Christian wife it is particularly difficult as she is torn by the doctrine of submission, sexually belonging to her husband, protecting the children, decisions for separation or grounds for divorce. Read one example here. Many more exist if you browse.

The emotional abuser is in his/her own way, a victim as well. He/she is usually so emotionally/psychologically broken somewhere that they do not recognize their abusive behavior which is almost ingrained in their own psyche. They are enabled by responses from the other person which provide a sense of affirmation, power and even love to attempt to remedy their own brokenness. This may be the reason that they rarely accept blame or see their problem.

There have been emotional abusers who were able to admit their problem, find healing and follow through to become emotionally healthy in stable relationships such as Paul Hegstrom, a christian author and teacher on many such life issues. He wrote from experience in Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse. And is also the author of Broken Children, Grown-up Pain: Understanding the Effects of Your Wounded Past.The reviews are good although I've not been able to get my hands on either. I suggest you look him up for more resources.

I studied psychology and still enjoy reading up on psychological research and theories. I find it does accurately identify and even predict many human thought processes and behaviors - some of it is absolute rubbish too - but I want to emphasize that psychological techniques cannot once and for all change a human being from the inside out and achieve wholeness. Behavioral modification comes with no lasting guarantee either. Without the word and power of God as the source and foundation of our healing process we would not even know what wholeness is or what a healthy soul and spirit looks and thinks like.

Because there is so much information available quite easily, I decided to pull out a few that were also from a Christian perspective. Other more general sites will also be useful too.

Links to Info with a Christian Perspective:-

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabuse.html

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/search.aspx/search?q=emotional%20abuse

http://silverreflection.tripod.com/speakoutagainstverbalabusecopy/id5.html

http://www.abigails.org/a-studypage.htm