She eventually moved back home to start her university education here. I invited her to a church I attended for a while, and after nine months and prayer and intercession for her, I had the privilege of being at church with her when she decided of her own will that she needed to go up at an altar call and receive salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. It is almost an understatement to say that I was overjoyed.
I eventually left that church as God's leading for me would have it, but she remained and I was happy that she was now a Christian. We had some mutual acquaintances from the church but as I was no longer there, they dropped off and mostly became her friends. It was shortly after this point that she no longer made any effort to get in touch with me like before. We would attend special occasion dinners together, perhaps once or twice a year, but there was no longer even phone contact. She was always busy with her new friends. This bothered me a little, but not much, because I had a lot of stuff going on too. During the few times that I would see her among a group of mutual friends and acquaintances though, I noticed an alarming new habit of hers. Whenever I started to speak, she would cut me off, or put me down or brush off what I said. Now, this really bothered me. I paid attention and I wasn't paranoid. She did this - and she did it only to me. Years passed and we didn't see each other much. We remained on each other's lists, so to speak, but with no contact. Then some obvious issues that she had came up just a few years ago after the wedding of another friend we used to share. There were remarks that were telling that there was some sort of resentment that she harbored. I just put it aside as her problem, because she was the one who had ignored some of my attempts to maintain contact with her, and hadn't made any effort to maintain contact with us from the old group of friends.
Now, I thought I was on top of this all. There were times that she would come up in my thoughts and I'd note that I was unhappy and I would pray about it. And then over the past year, after a couple more passing experiences I found myself praying a lot more specifically and forgiving her of anything that she'd done or that had offended me. I would be fine for a while and then unexpectedly, I'd see her name and picture pop up in my Facebook newsfeed and it would upset me in some way that was hard to put my finger on and only slightly perceptible. Recently, this happened again.
I was sitting at my computer and had just commented on a friend's happy status message and then a notification flashed by letting me know that Jane had also commented. And just like that, there was that inner wince. It was like a wasp's sting. Sharp and short and I shirked it off like a speck on my shoulder, but I noticed it in a whole new way. Why? Well a strange thing had been happening for about two or three months prior to this. I had been having dreams where she would be one of the characters and - no matter the scenario - I was always angry, or upset or irritated by her.
Sometimes, I would wake out of these dreams with my heart racing from the sheer emotional drama taking place in the dream. I would wake up each time and pray about it because it was so odd. There was no known unforgiveness that I was harboring towards her but not wanting to take any chances, I would tell God I forgave her anything and ask Him to forgive me for harboring any such thing. Still, ever so often, the dreams would reoccur and they were getting closer together.
It was because of this puzzling rash of dreams that the inner wince I felt at the computer that night (when I saw her name flash by in that notification) really got my attention. It alarmed me. Right then and there I said something like:
"Lord, I have been praying about this and I have been asking forgiveness and forgiving her for anything and everything I can think of, even things I'm not sure that have been done, and the dreams have continued, and now this. Something must surely be going on in my heart, or I wouldn't have just felt that way. Please show me what it is."
And then up to my mind and out of my mouth came:
"Lord, I forgive her for throwing my friendship away."
Then I thought, 'Wow. What an odd thing to say...But that was exactly what she'd done, wasn't it?'
I immediately felt better. But I waited to see if it would last. That night I didn't have any dreams of her. The next morning I still felt good. I thought I would test myself just in case. I deliberately brought her to mind and still no wince. No irritation. No nothing. Wow.
A couple days later when I still seemed to be passing the test - no more winces, no more dreams - I decided to share this praise report. That same night I had another dream of Jane. In that dream she was surrounded and busily involved in some frivolous project with a bunch of friends whom she seemed to be calling all the shots for. In the dream, she made a comment to me that seemed like another brush off, intended to be something of a put down - and I was not offended! I woke up so very happy, feeling sure that I had indeed passed the test.
I hadn't been holding any offenses that I was aware of but God knew what was in my heart. It didn't matter that this 'wince' most likely started and grew because of the unwarranted treatment that I'd received from someone who used to be a friend. He used dreams to get my attention, and He also showed me what was the matter when I got serious about dealing with it in a way that pleases Him. It has made me wonder if He has been dealing with her about this too. I may never know, but it gives me such great joy, and yet another opportunity to be amazed, at how thorough and wonderful God is at the directing the work of sanctification in a Christian's life.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32, ESV
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