Apply Biblical Wisdom to Relationships

There is simple biblically inspired wisdom that can help us to nurture the close relationships that God has ordained for our life. As believers in Christ we probably all know that we'll enter our eternal home with full recognition of those we formed relationships with on earth who are also there with us. A few months back it became really, astoundingly, clear to me that our relationships are all that we'll take with us into eternity. Of course, even if we didn't know anyone on earth who is in heaven (I doubt that would be the case) we'll still be loved and welcomed into joyful fellowship, but wouldn't it be extra special if we had a lot of people to welcome us based on recognition, to catch up with, and to continue having fellowship with? We need other Christians here on earth. Christ has made us members of one body and without the other parts we will be dreadfully crippled. Furthermore our adversary the devil walks around as a roaring lion seeking whoever he may devour (1 Peter 5:8), and he is going to be most able to get the weak, the wounded, and the isolated or lone stragglers.

Now, no matter how friendly we are, not every sincere believer we encounter and share interests with is going to become a tight friend that we keep in touch with and share our hearts with. Some of these kinds of God-connections are transparently one-sided where you are either the receiver or giver for God's working and with genuine Christian love - that's perfectly okay. But what I wanted to emphasize is that the Bible has a lot to say on how we are to conduct ourselves and treat one another as members of the Body of Christ and these are equally life-giving commands for personal friendships and relationships. No one should treat a stranger better than they treat the people in their home or in their inner circle. That should be obvious but most of us have been guilty of failing to show family members simple respect. Many later find themselves struggling with household issues that arose out of neglect, hurt, unforgiveness, or an emotional 'disconnect' and lack of empathy for one another.

There is a flip side to using biblical principles in relationships and it has to do with recognizing when and what to leave behind. The world is a very large place and as Christians, God has appointed times, seasons, and places for us. We may interact valuably with many people but we cannot maintain relationships with all of them. There are some others that are harmful and we should not seek to hold on no matter the transient comfort or benefit they seem to promise or provide. The right relationships will be found in the path God has for us, but the wrong ones will lead us to detour from God's will. Relationships literally change the course of our lives for better or for worse.

There are some people who will reject a relationship with us despite our willingness, or who mistreat us. In these cases we should step out of the circle rather than continue going round and round in it. These scenarios may sadly often involve persons within our own biological family. Wisdom from the Scriptures and prayerful trust in God would lead us to avoid investing unhealthily, in a host of unhealthy relationships. This is also a great factor for consideration in assessing potentially romantic relationships.

Recently I had to give some advice to an acquaintance concerning a relationship with a man whom she has invested everything into - though she now sees that he is unwilling to commit wholeheartedly to her in the future. Still, she struggles trying to get him to change. There is wisdom which is found in the Proverbs and woven throughout all the lessons of Scripture which will help her. It is wise to avoid the man who is inattentive, abusive, often angry or mean spirited, or who does not treat you with the common kindness (which he shows to other women or others in general). The man who has a wandering eye and unfaithful heart will not be able to love you as God commanded. The man who does not call you, invest mutually in you, or pursue you, is telling by his actions that his heart is not set towards you. The man whose heart is not set on God is not the person for you. Similarly, I would briefly advise Christian men that the woman who is flirtatious, or loud, or controlling and manipulative, is not the person for you. The woman who is beauty, charm and sweet words - without also having selflessness, godly virtue, discretion, and proven godly character is not the person for you. And to both men and women, the person who can 'talk the Christian talk', but who fails to 'walk the Christian walk', is not the person for you [***see note at end!]. Always believe a person's actions and behavior, far over and above words and appearances. Of course people can be changed if they yield themselves to God, but this is out of our hands. We can only work on ourselves. What we must consider is that what exists in the other person's character right now, is what is real at the same point in time, and that is what we must act on. We are all a work in progress. We can choose to walk in love towards all, but must carefully choose our inner circle of those permitted to know the deeper things of our hearts.

When we must choose who we allow into our life on an intimate basis we do not have to make our assessment blindly because the Scriptures contain what we need.  We need to just take the Word of God at face value and apply its truths to each situation in front of us. In addition, a multitude of godly counselors who stand on the word of God will also add invaluable wisdom to us towards making good decisions. Get counsel from those who esteem God's word and fear Him, who will be confidential, speak the truth and back it up with God's word. Ask God to show or send to you such people. In this way you will be sure to get reliable counsel and insight.

There are relationships in which we grow apart from someone else. Perhaps we got saved and Jesus became our life, but because the other person does not know Him a polite disconnect takes place. In other cases, we may have both once loved sharing the things of God but after some time passes, one relationship has continued to grow with the Lord, and the other person has been backsliding. Now we may still engage some small talk but that person no longer even mentions God, the Bible, or anything that was part of what fostered a connection in the first place. Communication forms the foundation of a relationship. Without sharing core values and interests, communication becomes shallow or infrequent and a separation begins. Prayerfully navigating this time we must ask God for His wisdom and trust Him to lead us in the right way. Sometimes these relationships will be mended and restored by God; sometimes it is best we let them go because these persons are on a different path from the one God has for us. It's worth repeating that relationships literally change the course of our life, and it is in our best interest to trust God with what is unknown of another person's heart. As far as intimate friendships and relationships go, the person who consistently hurts, mistreats, or puts us down us (contrary to the careful and loving behavior such as found in 1 Corinthians 13:1-13), or who draws us away from a relationship with God will be harmful to both our soul and spirit.

It should be easy to recognize how to cherish those God has blessed us with, and alternatively how to flee what is harmful. But we, as people, are complex and fragile. Only the wisdom of God's word when applied to each and every situation - no exceptions - will enable us to navigate safely. I began by making mention of the relationships we may take from this age into eternity. My epiphany about this has inspired me to be more deliberate about how I spend my time and how I engage others at church or wherever I may meet other sincere Believers. I also find a renewed desire to grow in God's love in such a way that no matter which path God leads me into, those I interact with will have experienced a pure, genuine concern and love for themselves from me. I am already grateful for the godly friendships that God has ordained for me in this life. Let me leave you with some inspiring wisdom from author and speaker, Lisa Bevere:

It is imperative, especially in these times, that we allow God to establish our friendships based on His truth and principles. First make God your best friend.

He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.
Proverbs 22:11

Then let the King choose your friends.
We must desire pure hearts over our needs for friendships...God will choose His friends for us, and thus He will want us to treat them the way He would treat them. Then God will entrust us with true friends because He knows we will be true to them.

***Note well: My comments regarding the tell tale signs of relationships which are not the best for a man or woman, do not pertain to those already married but to those who are single or unmarried. The term "not the person for you" is also used loosely, but it should not be mistakenly thought to point to making decisions based on worldly definitions of 'soul mates', or as involving a mystical or unrealistic process of finding 'the one'. It is my view that God alone can best choose a mate for His own children. Many agree that important decisions should not be entered into with God's specific leading and will to be made clear (where to live, career, finances and other life altering ventures). Similarly, but far above all those other reasons, the covenant entered into in marriage is of priority with earthly and eternal spiritual consequences. I do not believe that (with human inability to perfectly know the heart, the future, or even understand all present circumstances) God intends for us to use our limited understanding to choose our own mate without consulting Him and getting specific leading. In fact, I believe that for His own people God is, and should be, the only match maker - even though this specific leading is not to be thought to necessarily depend upon 'signs' or mystical occurrences. The key is to stay submitted to God, seeking His will from the heart, and nurturing relationship with Him so that one knows His leading. This leading will always be in agreement with His word, His ways, His Spirit, and His peace.