An acquaintance contacted me recently for some relationship advice. The big question was should she give the relationship another try after a one month period of 'We have issues, let's take a break and see how we feel afterward?' She said she was "really torn", and that it was "really difficult to go back" - yet she was obviously considering going back.
She attends a church, says she prays, and is pretty much in the 'I'm a good person' camp while she does her own thing with the rest of her life. It's very tricky to counsel someone who doesn't yet understand that the only thing that's going to solve their problems is knowing Jesus Christ, giving the problems over to Him, and living life by His principles. I didn't want to overwhelm her with that foundational truth which she may not receive right now, and which may come across as unrelated to her present problems. Basically, I addressed the fact that relationships create powerful entanglements on many levels which sometimes lead people to stay in the pain of a bad relationship to avoid the pain of the letting go and healing process.
Of course, the latter pain is a better pain - it comes to an end eventually, one can be entirely mended, and the future is not ruined - but not all people make that choice. I told her that despite what her ex-boyfriend-almost-fiance says, after 6 years, the only valid reasoning to expect anything different now is when he does different things, consistently.
If a relationship had flaws that are significant enough to bring it to the brink of ending, or ended it, the decision to go back by either party should require some specific, measurable, steps to improve in those areas. Why? Because, I have learned that the only words you can trust all of the time are God's words. On the contrary, when it comes to dealing with people, good intentions are often not enough, and their sincere words at the moment may not be lived out, so we need to learn to believe what we can
see,
consistently, with people. This is true when dealing with those outside and inside the church.
By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. Matthew 7:16-20
This is not to say that a genuine believer, or a sound person, will always get it right. One may not always choose to obey, and most experience these bumps along the sanctification road. But even then, I've found that a genuine Christian, and a person of integrity will even deal with failures and sins in an honorable way. They will
demonstrate true repentance towards God; and make confession, ask forgiveness, and make retribution towards people where necessary. The main thing is a life lived in increasing consistency and truth. A life lived in the light.
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
1 John 1:7
In a recent post,
Churchified, I mentioned something of the religious background that was responsible for my greatest trials (as well as lots of material for bringing glory to God in my life). I had way too much early exposure to people who conveniently put up the show of being bible-believing Christians, without a changed heart. I have seen others deceived by it, and I have also been successfully deceived. I have seen firsthand the damage and destruction it causes to lives. I am no longer very easily moved by people who merely talk 'Christianese,' or who read their bibles, or have a whole library full of Christian books. Of course, what a person talks about is a key scriptural indicator as well (Ephesians 4:29; Matthew 12:34; James 3:9-10), but it cannot be the only thing we judge. It is important to look at whole lives, their consistency and transparency. Jesus also cautions us to recognize a person according to their fruits (Matthew 7:16). Furthermore, we know from the whole counsel of Scripture that we recognize a Christian by their fruits and the fruit of the Spirit, including love for other believers and obedience to God's word.
A. W. Tozer said,
"The devil is a better theologian than any of us and is a devil still." I have been talking with a dear lady who, well in the mid years of life, is still dealing with the wounds of a father who was extremely active and respected in the church and community while, in her own words, "there was incest behind every closed door." This sexual abuse, along with many fear and control tactics, continued for 12 years starting from the time she was 4 years old. When she moved out and later brought it to the attention of his church leaders so that other children would not be abused, they asked her to drop legal proceedings which she had begun, and promised to enter him into a counseling program. He never attended more than one meeting and they never disclosed this to anyone or followed up. She now suffers guilt, knowing that in his many duties he was frequently responsible for children (even handicapped children), who may have been abused as well. This woman's father is now a very old man, suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Even before his memory was severely affected, he admitted no remorse when probed by someone. He mentioned that he would forgive her...for telling on him I suppose. I won't attempt to say more on this matter, except to say that the fallout, the destruction, has been immense and continues to this very day.
This was a case of a diseased and evil heart hiding behind a bible, behind church talk and behind church work. I am sure that, in retrospect, many who worked alongside this man or had contact with him would be able to point out things about him that just didn't add up.
It is very important that we learn how to judge character scripturally and prayerfully. We ought to avoid being unequally yoked in relationships - whether friendship, marriage, business partnership - and in any other way that allows someone to speak into, or influence, our decisions and life at our core. So, yes, God can most definitely heal a bad tree at its root, but while bad apples are the fruit being evidently produced, the bad tree should not be planted in our own backyard if we can help it.
